Category: Identity transition

  • Energy Accounting: A powerful tool for neurodivergent people

    Energy Accounting: A powerful tool for neurodivergent people

    Living well when you’re neurodivergent involves more than juggling tasks or coping with sensory overload. One of the most significant and often invisible considerations is our energy level. Being low on energy can turn something manageable one moment into an overwhelming, nigh-on-impossible struggle the next. This is one of the experiences of being neurodivergent, which has led neurodivergent commentators to reject the high/low functioning descriptor – catch us in a moment of true overwhelm, and we will be really struggling to function at all – but that discussion is for another post.

    For neurodivergent people, whose daily lives may involve significant additional cognitive load, sensory labour and masking, energy drains take many forms. The good news is that with a proactive approach, it is possible to shape the experience rather than simply react to it.

    Understanding the origins of the concept

    The idea of actively engaging with ones energy levels comes from Christine Miserandino’s ‘Spoon Theory’. While chatting with a friend in a café in 2003, she tried to explain what it felt like to live with her chronic illness (lupus). She handed twelve spoons to her friend and asked her to talk through a typical day from the moment she woke. She then removed a spoon for each task or demand her friend listed. Quite quickly, it became apparent her friend was going to run out of spoons before the day was even half over – somewhat predictably, her friend asked for more spoons. Christine smiled – there were no more spoons.

    In this way, Christine illustrated how every choice consumes a limited resource.

    While the spoon metaphor is powerful, energy accounting takes it a few steps further. More than tracking how many ‘spoons’ remain, it looks at what those drains are, and crucially what may give back spoons and how to balance these out.

    Why It Matters for Neurodivergent Brains

    Neurodivergent people often experience the world with heightened sensitivity, have different processing styles, and have varying levels of tolerance for stimulation and unpredictability. What feels “fine” to others might be completely draining for a neurodivergent person.

    You might be familiar with the idea that the brain has different parts: a “rational” part, an “emotional” part, and a “survival” part. In fact, these elements are deeply intertwined. Our survival instincts, emotions, and logical reasoning aren’t separate; they’re constantly influencing one another, and low energy levels will affect all of them.

    While we often believe we ‘should’ be able to think our way out of a panic or “logic” our way through burnout, that’s not how it works. Every part of our brain plays a role in how we respond to stress, joy, fatigue, or excitement. And the level of energy at any moment in time directly affects how fully we engage.

    Sometimes the strategies we use to cope, like withdrawing, avoiding tasks, or shutting down, are actually signs our brain is trying to manage its energy in a difficult situation. Our brain is prioritising survival in the moment, even if the long-term outcome isn’t ideal. We may be totally unaware of this; that’s why consciously understanding our own energy budget is so powerful: it helps us notice when we’re heading toward depletion and enables us to take steps to recover before things spiral. It also helps us build in more energy gains, so we’re not constantly running on empty.

    When we understand what gives us energy and what takes it away, we can begin to make conscious choices about our day, our environment, and our relationships. We can start designing our lives to support our nervous systems, rather than constantly pushing through until we crash.

    Learning to recognise our energy drains and gains can be a gamechanger.

    What drains and what re-energises?

    Recognising that there will be many times each day when our energy is drained away, often in ways that have little to no impact in a neurotypical person’s life, enables us to build in activities and time to counteract this. For many neurodivergent people, this requires a more proactive approach to managing energy levels.

    Unfortunately, there is no magic list of activities; the drains and gains will be different for everyone. In neurodivergent lives, energy drains may lie in places we might not immediately expect. It is probably relatively easy to identify drains on a macro level: ‘school’ or ‘work’. In these instances, it is rarely possible to remove oneself entirely, so it becomes much more about identifying specific elements and finding accommodations to support these moments or activities that provide energy gains before or after.

    By zooming in, it is possible to identify specific drains:

    • A noisy, early-morning commute
    • A long, uninterrupted meeting
    • Flickering lights across the office
    • Sudden changes in room allocation in the school day
    • Masking around work colleagues
    • Specific locations or people

    On the flip side, energy gains might not look like traditional “relaxation” activities either:

    • Stimming
    • Timeout with someone who understands your rhythms
    • Deep focus on your special interest
    • High-intensity physical activity
    • A sensory break or specific sensory stimulation
    • Walking in deep shade on a sunny day (one of mine)
    • A compression garment or weighted blanket
    • Planning activities around peak energy windows

    Choosing your own measurement system

    Keeping track of both drains and gains gives you a clearer picture of your energy budget. Monitoring energy levels in this way can feel somewhat artificial until the practice becomes established. But assuming the metaphor and scale being used ‘makes sense’ to you, there should be some wins appearing very quickly.

    The spoon metaphor works beautifully for some, but many prefer something more personalised. The key is to choose a visual scale which is both engaging and easily understood. For example: weighing scales, marbles in a jar, slices of pizza, a thermometer, or a bank account. The important thing is that the system allows for addingandtaking away (the drain / gain concept).

    When working with children, the metaphor may need to be adapted to feel safe and engaging. It is tempting to tie the practice to their special interest, but beware negative emotions becoming attached to something which, for them, is highly affirming, supportive and important. Make it simple, consistent and meaningful.

    Building the habit of energy accounting

    Energy accounting isn’t about eliminating all energy drains (life doesn’t work like that – we need to access education, we need to work if we can). And of course, many of the things that drain us, we actually really enjoy. Contrary to popular belief many autistic people are highly social, many want and do work. Rather it is about noticing how you can mitigate the energy drain in these situations, and make space for things that energise you.

    It might mean saying no to back-to-back meetings. It might mean keeping a fidget toy in your pocket. It might mean putting a ten-minute nature walk in your calendar every day.

    Identifying big drains (work, school, parenting) may feel straightforward, but the real power lies in noticing the small nuances:

    • Which meetings leave you depleted and why?
    • Which activities or people leave you energised in a surprising way?
    • Are there certain times of day when your system feels more fragile?
    • What sensory, social or cognitive factors shift your energy on a micro-level?

    Once you have your scale and you’ve begun mapping out your drains and gains, you’ll notice opportunities for some fast wins. These small changes can reduce the constant uphill battle of just ‘getting by’.

    Making sustainable change

    Over time, as clients become more familiar with what drains and what energises, I have found they naturally begin to slot in accommodations and micro-breaks that make a real difference. And over time, a monitoring system that perhaps felt artificial becomes intuitive.

    Sustainable change happens when we recognise that our brains and bodies have clear energy needs, and that, by honouring them rather than pushing on through, we not only get by but also begin to thrive.

    Why this matters in coaching

    In my work coaching neurodivergent adults and their families, energy accounting is one of the foundational tools I use. When we don’t have a handle on how much energy we have (and where it goes), even the best strategies are undermined by fatigue, overwhelm or burnout.

    I help clients explore not only what their goals are, but also how to put themselves in the strongest possible position to work towards them, and often this first means understanding and managing energy drains and gains.

    Practical energy accounting unlocks self-awareness, enables positive, achievable strategies, and improves self-compassion.

    If you’d like to explore how this concept might work for you, your family, workplace or education setting, why not book a free discovery call, and let’s start your journey towards clearer energy awareness and a life shaped by you.

  • Some lesser known sides to ADHD

    Some lesser known sides to ADHD

    When most people think of ADHD, they picture the familiar traits of distractibility, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. But for many, these are just one part, albeit a considerable part of something more complex. For many people, there are additional struggles which can appear random or unconnected: unusual levels of muscle tension, restless legs, challenges around posture, battling sleep issues, irregular eating patterns or challenges with specific tastes or textures.

    Research suggests these issues can be connected to how the ADHD brain and body process the world. And this in turn creates an additional layer to how the ADHD person feels, moves, and experiences day-to-day life.

    Understanding this bigger picture can help to explain why people might find it so hard to:

    “Just relax”

    “Just go to bed earlier”

    “Sit up straight”

    “Stop being so picky”

    “Just stop and think”

    The research reveals these aren’t failures of willpower, nor wilful disobediences – rather the impact of neurological differences.

    Recognising this can help people make small but meaningful changes to support themselves. Simple adjustments like stretching regularly to ease muscle tension, keeping water close by to counter dehydration, or building routines around sleep and nutrition can all make a significant difference in the day-to-day life of the ADHD person.

    Making sense of lifelong patterns

    This is why identifying their ADHD can be such a turning point for so many people. For adults who discover their diagnosis later in life, not only can it suddenly make sense of years of confusion or self-criticism, but it can also begin to link together all those experiences that once felt separate or inexplicable. It can reframe a lifetime of questions and self-blame.

    This clarity can be deeply healing. When people realise these patterns are not personal character failings but features of their neurotype, self-compassion grows. Knowing that these are part of how their brain and body communicates can transform how they speak to themselves. It opens up space to consider what they need, rather than what they think they “should” be able to do / be / feel.

    From there, it becomes easier to seek support. Coaching, therapy, occupational support, or nutritional advice can all help, replacing years of self-criticism with something far more sustaining: acceptance, curiosity, and compassion.

    An ADHD coach is one way to start unpicking this. If this resonates with you, why not book a Discovery call and see how we could work together to improve things for your day-to-day?

  • Identity transition after a neurodivergent diagnosis

    Identity transition after a neurodivergent diagnosis

    Discovering you are neurodivergent, whether through a formal diagnosis or self-identification, can be life-changing. For many, it begins as a moment of profound recognition. But what follows is often less talked about: identity transition.

    Everyone experiences identity transition differently, but there do appear to be some common themes, and it is not unusual to hear people use words like grief and bereavement as well as relief and euphoria in connection with their experience.

    To those on the ‘outside’, these words can sound dramatic. But think about it, the person has just realised the long-held beliefs about who they are could need a whole rethink. Not only that, but there are possible explanations for all the things they have been confused by, all the challenges they have had, which may or may not feel empowering.

    For some people, identity transition is absolutely a grieving experience – they grieve the person they had assumed they were, mourn opportunities missed and hardships experienced, or experience distress about the shift in a future they had hoped for themselves (or indeed all of the above).

    The fact that in many cases they were already asking questions about the way their brain and body worked doesn’t necessarily lessen the impact of these realisations. Like it or not, for many, this forces a re-evaluation of their past, a reconfiguration of the present and a new perspective on what their future might look like.  And just like grief and bereavement, this can stir up a whole host of emotions, sometimes all at once, without warning.

    Life before

    Before discovering we are neurodivergent in some way, many of us interpret our challenges through the deficit-based lens that society has peddled our entire lives. We internalise painful messages: that we’re lazy, broken, too much, or not enough. We ‘fail’ at being ‘normal’, we try harder, mask, and struggle on. Even if we have not absorbed lots of negative beliefs about ourselves (show me someone who hasn’t, I want to shake their hand), many of us will still have recognised and struggled with feeling somehow different, even if we did not know the specifics of how or why. A diagnosis can come as both a revelation and a rupture. On one hand, it offers a powerful new lens through which everything can start to make sense. On the other hand, it challenges the entire narrative we have built our life around.

    Some people describe this as liberating; others are devastated. One thing is for sure: it is rarely one or the other, and we are pulled between emotions daily. This tension, between relief and grief, validation and new challenges, is at the heart of what the ND community refer to as identity transition.

    A grief cycle

    The emotional experience is sometimes mapped onto the Kübler-Ross model of grief. It’s not always neat or linear, but the stages frequently show up in some form:

    • Denial: “It can’t be that simple” or “Maybe the assessment was wrong.”
    • Anger: “Why didn’t anyone see this sooner?” or “I missed out on so much.”
    • Bargaining: “If I just try harder, maybe I can still fit in.”
    • Depression: “How different could my life have been if I’d known?”
    • Acceptance: “This is my reality now. I can work with it.”

    As with bereavement, these phases don’t arrive politely one after another; they crash into each other several times a day, often with no warning, and they can completely derail you.

    For me, there were periods when I couldn’t recognise myself, where I didn’t know what I thought any more. It was overwhelming, disorientating, and lonely.

    Where this experience differs from the grief cycle is that there can also be moments of euphoria, relief, or validation. That rush of “things are starting to make sense” can be exhilarating. But even that can be short-lived. As Cynthia Kim of musingsofanaspie.com wrote:

    “Once the bright shiny new ‘this explains everything’ stage wore off, I started thinking about the other side of being autistic…the challenges I faced weren’t imagined and they weren’t going to magically disappear. They were with me for life.”

    Mourning the ‘old self’

    What makes this process particularly intense is that it often involves mourning a version of ourselves that never quite fit in the first place, but one that we tried so hard to sustain. Many of us shaped our lives around external expectations, masking our differences, and working twice as hard to appear ‘normal.’

    So the grief we talk about in this transition can include mourning lost time, missed opportunities, and relationships damaged by misunderstanding.

    This period can also surface internalised ableism, those subtle, harmful beliefs about what it means to be different, which we may have absorbed over the years, making it difficult to simply embrace the new information.

    Rebuilding identity

    After diagnosis we need to rebuild. Without guidance or role models, this can feel overwhelming which is why support after diagnosis is so important.

    Unfortunately, all too often, we are left to pick up the pieces alone. Professional support is often not available in a timely manner, and our partners and friends struggle to know how to help. Figuring out a way ahead without support can be incredibly difficult, particularly if we are unaware that identity transition is a ‘thing’ we will all experience in some shape or form, and this on top of everything else we have been dealing with.

    Rebuilding is about stitching together a new identity, one based on truth and self-compassion. It might involve:

    • Reinterpreting the past through a neurodivergent lens
    • Reframing traits or behaviours once described as flaws
    • Connecting with others who share similar experiences
    • Exploring more authentic ways of living and relating

    It’s more than ‘just a phase’, and it’s not always easy.

    What support should look like

    If we recognise identity transition as part of the diagnostic journey, then the lack of follow-up support becomes all the more concerning. Whether this experience lasts months or years, everyone connected with the person needs to understand this isn’t just a ‘difficult patch’, a major psychological shift is happening – it is exhausting, confusing, upsetting, even if it is also liberating.

    Patience and understanding from family and friends are paramount, particularly as we experiment with adjustments and unmasking. We need you to understand that we are the same person underneath, but the way we present may shift. If we seem more neurodivergent after diagnosis, this could be seen as a complement – we feel safe enough around you to unmask, or we have gained confidence to advocate for our legitimate needs.

    Just know

    There is no right way to respond to your discovery. Processing will take time, and it takes as long as it takes.

    There are lots of us who have been there already, seek us out, ask for support – you do not have to navigate this on your own. And there is no shame in asking.

    Coming to terms with a neurodivergent identity is often as destabilising as it is illuminating. One thing is certain, in this process – it is not a linear journey; you will have days where you feel like you are on a rollercoaster, but ultimately, you will find clarity and healing.

    To acknowledge this experience as an identity transition is to give it the weight it deserves. And like all transformations, it needs compassion, time, and the right kind of support.

    If you’re on that path, you’re not alone. And you are not broken. You’re becoming. Your neurodivergent community welcomes you, understands you and celebrates with you.

    Book a FREE Discovery Call